Diamonds are girl’s best friend? Hmmm…never had a real diamond but I have had a real best friend, and he was better than any million dollar perfect clarity diamond out there. However diamonds last longer than we sure did. Cut that one Princess.

I have not written on my blog in quite some time…and the simple truth is I miss it. When I write… I write for me, from my heart, and I guess you could say I write like nobody is reading it.

I have been going through some very tough emotions, and I am tapping into my reserves for extra strength. You see I have been keeping myself very busy…trying to keep my mind off someone very important to me.

I have not progressed far enough in my healing to inform anyone yet about the details of our story. I will tell you this though; he taught me what true friendship with a man is like. Sadly on that same note that was all he taught me. He hurt more than he taught me.

We built our “whatevership” on a solid foundation. We slowly trusted each other over time, and although life did not allow us to be inseparable, we would have been if things were different.

I do not remember the fancy words people say, but I will forever remember the way people made me feel. Case in point; when I arrived home after a long two week business trip and I walked into my house and saw he had a plethora of blue post it’s everywhere…I WAS GREGARIOUSLY STOKED!

That feeling I can recall like it was yesterday, I smiled and cherished those darn post it’s to a degree by which I could never fully express to you. Another feeling that swept me away was when he called…yup just a simple call. We talked everyday via text, but for him to take the time to call me…well it totally made my day.

I never got to see him, so hearing his voice made me glow. He fixed the stereo in my car for me, he skipped with me, he sat on a brick wall looking over the city with me, and he knew me. I remember this one evening when he took me to dinner, (we only went to dinner 3 times in 2.5 years-sad) and when he came to pick me up fireworks were going off in the distance! We stood on my balcony for a moment and watched them, then dinner, and then after dinner we stood and made a wish at this little water fountain thingy.

I got two pennies out of my purse and told him to make a wish; I made my wish in the water. He made a wish, and then he threw it in but missed! We laughed and that is a moment and feeling I remember quite often. You see when you do not get those moments often you cherish the ones you do get… forever.

It is the simple and normal things I was denied, and so it was precisely those things that I hold so dear to my heart. Plus he did not have one romantic bone in his body (yeah I just said that)…he was a emotionally closed off guy.

“Love” good old unconditional love is a value to be actualized. Love the “feeling” is the fruit of love the verb. Yeah…I went Dr. Phil on yo ass! I know deep shit eh? Meaning that love the feeling can only exist by the sweet fruits of one’s labor/actions.

For the last year and more in the last six months of that year, I have felt forgotten, pushed aside, used, and like just another girl. I am not just another girl; I am the girl who gave my all. My actions aligned with my heart, and my behaviors told my truth.

My feelings ran deep; his feelings for me were unrequited. I got snapshots of his feelings for me, but he always left me to assume-Men-don’t do this cause girl will bounce! Assumption is the poison that kills relationships. I may be wrong when I say his feelings for me were not returned in the same way/degree that mine were for him. However…he never showed me, he never acted on it, so I am gone with the wind baby.

Your life is a product of your decisions, not your conditions. His conditions are not changing because he decided not to change them. I decided to change mine though. I know my worth…I must have never been worth enough to make the tough decisions he always tip toed around-but I am worth it, he is just not worthy of me (not being egotistical being confidently certain of what I know I deserve).

He will never understand why I left…simply because he NEVER OPENED UP, and exposed his feelings like I did. So he is safe in his redundantly stagnant ill waters he chooses to reside in.

From the very start I have always missed him, and as time went on I missed him more. He made a huge thumb print on my heart, and I cannot get rid of it and have stopped trying to get rid of it now. He does not deserve me…the passionate, faithful, fun, positive, successful, happy, and smoking hot good hearted woman like me. J (“EGO check on isle 9 please!” can you tell somebody got their feelers hurt-me)LoL

There is a time when God makes the pain sweat out of every pore on your body, forcing you to look at the stink you have entangled yourself in. You cannot ignore it…because everyone around you knows you’re a mess.

That is the point where you realize you forgot to write your own programming, and instead forgot self to live out the program someone else had given you. When the stench is this putrid there is only one thing to do…”take it to the mattresses”. LoL.



I take full responsibility. It was and is inconsiderate of me to blame him for my hurt. My heart took over and all logic and reason went straight out the door. Only after a year of neglect (kinda dramatic-lol), the pain was so far from diminutive that it took over my natural positive happy sunshine little self. Hence why I left (bounced), and now considering becoming a raging lesbian. Jk jk I like men….Real men, not boys.

No matter what I did, or no matter what I do the end result will painful. But I would rather hurt, and heal, rather than hurt and deal. Hurt and deal has no end, and I as his dear friend do him no favor by allowing him to keep pretending his life is turtle wax shiny perfect. Should I stay in something that was not mine to be in, or leave something I never had? Yeah it was messy…but he was legendary, and I will take this one straight up with no regrets baby. Just won’t re-new my unhealthy bitch card this year…J

Relationshits…suck.

As you were,

Cc