I closed my eyes, sat still, and found myself lost in a peaceful moment.  Negative thoughts, worries, regret, and doubt are not welcome in this moment.  This very moment of mental adjustment and atonement has been brought to you by the letters G R A T I T U D E.

I have lost my ground, and my footing has slipped. I thought to myself; Christy why did you permit your mind to dwell in dissatisfaction upon how things were…not.  My brain quickly derails of this thought and finds itself seeking to bait and hook one of the many of hundreds, upon hundreds of thoughts that flow through my head. 

Beautifully pink luscious lips, illuminatingly bright skin that glows, eyes that permeate a deep beautiful unconditional love and a smile that would make even the healthiest of hearts skip a beat.  She looked away from the mirror and did not see what everyone else saw.  She saw her dark eyes weeping out tender tears of pain, lips that craved a kiss from a man’s unconditional love, skin that looked without pigment, and a fake smile that took residence on a face that has always been known for having a smile that could “light up a room”.  This girl was me…and I did not like her one shred.

This vague and misty concept of things I want to do, to have, or to become has brought me here.  A voice whispers in my head…

“You must have it before you can give it”.  

I lost my love, a love that used to vivaciously and passionately beat through the veins of my body.  Slowly I dissolved my inner love, and lost all the fizz for life.  I felt like a soda left out in the sun, flat and far from refreshing.  I used to be so “Just for the taste of it”, and now I realize I had to lose my defining trait-my fizz, to find my effervescent bubble again.

I am ready to go on this journey, and confidently plan for greater journeys.    I know that I cannot retain a true and clear vision of success and hope if I am constantly turning my attention to opposing pictures, whether they are external or imaginary.  Thanks Mom, Dad, and LoLo (my sister) for being my saving grace.  I know I can walk this path of self discovery alone just fine, but I stand in utter gratefulness knowing I am not walking it alone. Thank you for always saturating me with your unconditional love.

This morning my mirror gave me a, “Coming to a Mirror near You” preview…

Mirror faded to white and I saw a beautiful woman-who had her bounce back.  I was untouchable, inspirational, loveable, and legendary.  I was Tigger again…free to bounce off and find my best friend Poo.  Then I caught myself on the edge of my sink waiting for the date into which this would come into fruition, and then a beautifully deep and peaceful voice chimed in:

“Coming to your heart…when you can and will look into this mirror…and see what I created way back in 1981 when you were born, what your family, children, friends, dog, and complete strangers see every day.  Believe my child…believe.”

I then replied, “I am going to need that in writing, and notarized.”  Just Kidding ;)  Sometimes the greatest self evolvement is intangible, but how I so desperately needed tangible validation.

So I am sticking a clove of garlic in the ear of life itself, and not with great hope that it heals.  But with absolutely certainty that I know it will cure this ache.  It may stink like all hell while I micro bacterially kill the infection that has exhaustingly taken hostage of my happiness.  However I will learn to accept, cope, and make changes like I have never been willing to make before.

This is me…at my very best I will always be beautifully flawed.  I have the spirit and determination of a hungry Indian, the heart of Latin lover, and a soul that wants to give more than the Red Cross. My soul’s destiny is to make a difference and leave a legendary footprint of good doings on this earth.  Sounds like I may be busy for a couple of decades…so please leave me a message if I do not answer.

“Alllllll aboard the Randomly Tangent Express”...who knows what brilliant words may follow.  I can bet you 10 to 1 that it does not have a horses shit to do with the prior paragraph/topic above though. ;) I love that about myself, lol well learning too. I should really write a series of texts books…kids would stay with the beat of the lesson, and you can damn well bet there would be great pictures. LOL ;)

Wouldn’t that be fantastically astonishing if I could boast about having written this whole blog with my eyes still closed?  Well that is simply not the case-I cannot levitate yet, sorry to burst your bubble…but I can promise to never take your fizz. I will be the Alca to your Seltzer baby, the 7 to your Up, and the Dr. to your Pepper.

I sit knowing that the dawn is going to come soon with a beautiful knock, and a gorgeous sunrise will follow.  I am relaxed…for now.  There is a long road ahead of me (I have checked flights to make this journey quicker-yeah apparently no flights to my destiny). I am far from even taking my first step into this journey, but I know this time I will swim past where the waves break and I will find my dreams…somewhere out there.

I am in the process of packing my bags, and cannot wait to meet my coach who will guide me through the very things I have never understood my whole life.   Thank you Mom…for you always ask with great love if I packed my toothbrush, and undies.  LoL ;) It’s the small things that I forget, I get so damn excited about the journey that I would forget my own damn legs; my heart just takes off like a gregariously happy puppy fresh off a leash free to explore and sniff butts.  Random thought: Wearing no undies gives a person edge, they start there day out of the box-ers, and are free to dabble in the world of spontaneity! LOL

I am going to 401 K myself to bed…that was a fancy way to express my retirement to bed.  Close my eyes and remind my heart to live fully in soul, I must have love; and love finds it’s most natural and spontaneous expression in GIVING.  (Please give in my name at the Non Profit organization called… Wells Fargo-Just kidding).  I hope I gave you a chuckle though, and at least 20 bucks?!

As I lay here down to sleep I feel you gently cool my warm feet, I see you move through my hair, and I hear you when you effortlessly move the sheers (I have no future in poetry…I was talking about the wind-lol).