Heart Times

Amazing is the only word to describe how I feel. To know that my heart truly seeks nothing material, and hopes for the best but is delighted with what I have in the present-IS BEAUTiFUL!! I may very well not get this house, and you know what I will smile because it's just a thing. I have lost everything, and in the past 7 years tasted the darkest days. Skipped many meals just to feed my children, ...and a few years ago lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment because I lost my job and home, and with no help from the father of my children had to start from scratch. The kids and I have not only tasted hard times, we have swallowed them, had stomach aches over them, and lost sleep over the worry of the unknown. I know the hardest times took a toll on my old heart, but not this fixed heart. There will always be worry, but I truly know what I have now. I am aware of what really matters in life. My darkest day was not the day I could not afford to make dinner and eat, it was not when my heart was racing in the hospital at 300 beats per minute and I was alone, it was not the day the insurance lady said "77,000 dollars of your surgery is not covered, but we have payment plans", it wasn't the day my x husband cheated on me, it was not the day (everyday) last year when I wished for more energy so I could support my family but didnt know my heart was failing and couldnt provide that energy, it wasnt when my x husband treated me like I was a ghost that he had not one drop of care for, IT WAS NOT ANY OF THOSE DAYS. My darkest day came after my heart was fixed, and it came in like any other day, but when I least expected it. I was suppossed to be "happy, grateful, and now finally healthy"-but I felt without a heartbeat-literally. I could not process all that had happened, and make sense of this new heart that beat so calm that I could not even feel it. In 2010 there were so many times I faked feeling good, or talked myself through a "heart episode" where I literally felt like my heart was going to stop. Then one day they slow my heart down, and fixed me. I did not hear my own heartbeat in my head anymore, and started to listen to all the things I had buried for so long. It was like one day someone took me back through all the memories of pain, and made me watch and listen to myself discount all the fear and pain. I saw myself laying on the floor huging Grizzly with my life to try to get my heart to slow. I saw myself cry because I felt alone, alone in the times when I needed a physical person to be there. Then my heart slowing and telling myself to get over it. You can only be super-man strong for so long until it catches up with you. I saw all those times where I shut the world out, and wished I had loved myslef more to let those who loved me in. It was those dark days of walking through all the painful memories where I saw what mattered. What matters in life is the sister that has a car in the shop, takes off work, and hires a friend to drive her to her sisters house because she knew something was not right. What matters is the mother and father who answer their daughters lonely call every night, and keep her strong. Telling her they will not be a love she will ever loose. They define unconditional love-and saved her so many times. What matters is being grateful of a mentor that would invest in you even at their cost. A mentor that won't accept fail, and reminds you of your greatness. A mentor that takes bullets for you when you don't deserve them. What matters is the client that smiles and is glad to see after you had to re-schudule after you had to cancel. What matters is the one kiss that you will never forget. What matters is that I got a second chance, a new chance to open a heart that didnt know how to heal after being burned. What matters is opening my eyes and stopping to truly take in and absorb the people in my life who gave so much to help me up. It's so much more than a house for me right now...it's being here in my living room right now, with my kiddos asleep upstairs, and my best friend asleep next to me that matters. I am aware of who was there for me in those "yesterday's" that have past. Thank you...you all have made me a better, stronger woman who believes again.